The Nuclear Family was Created to Self-Destruct

Graphic by Isa Renée

After a month of political unrest and a solid week of around-the-clock nail biting and sleepless nights, October and early November have proven themselves to be the most stressful chapters of the saga that has been the year 2020. Personally, I think the founding fathers knew what they were doing by setting Election Day during scorpio season (the sign literally rules power, intensity and rebirth). The chaotic haze that clouded election season has shifted from a heavy fog to the most soothing breath of fresh air — well, at least for those living in blue states. New York City, in particular, erupted into a collective celebration on one of the warmest days of the month, a stark contrast to four years prior when the city was clouded in dreary rain, quiet commutes and silent eye contact with strangers sharing mutual melancholy. Even the first Thanksgiving following Trump’s election shifted family dynamics around the dinner table nationwide. Petty family feuds became combative arguments surrounding politics and social justice. For those with Trump-supporting family members, each winter season likely involved Facebook arguments, skipping out on holiday gatherings and the chilling realization that their family members wholeheartedly stood behind the “Make America Great Again” slogan. MAGA has been forever seared into our collective consciousness, calling for a return to the “good ole days” of American Exceptionalism* (read: white supremacy). Among other bigoted talking points, MAGA promotes a rejection of the “modern” family structure and the harkening back to the glory days of the “traditional” nuclear family, which, according to Trump supporters, will finally get this country back on whatever track they think it has been derailed from. But the traditional nuclear family structure is totally bullshit.

From conservative evangelicals to hoteps and men’s rights activists, “tradition”-oriented groups would like nothing more than to go back to the time where cisgendered heterosexual men had unchecked authority over not just their household, but the entire country as well. As much as these subcultures try to claim that the nuclear family is a traditional concept, it’s actually a baby of modern invention. Extended families have existed all over the world before the industrial age and rise of modern westernization. In the United States, Black Americans have always maintained and relied on extended families to defy the external forces that tried to oppress Black lives, such as the slave trade, Jim Crow era and mass incarceration. During the height of the AIDS crisis in the ’80s, members of the LGBTQ+ community began to form their own family units to escape the homophobia and transphobia within their biological families. An example of this is the emergence of ballroom culture among Black and brown LGBTQ+ folks, where houses served as safe havens for community members under the care and leadership of house mothers. Women also started to enter the corporate workforce, shifting gender roles by becoming the family breadwinner, a role which required taking time away from stereotypical childcare and household duties. Immigrants were more likely to live in extended families due to cultural factors and economic circumstances, such as the rising price of rent and cost of living in direct contrast to the stagnant federal minimum wage, which has made room-sharing and communal living, particularly for the younger sector of the workforce in major cities, a necessity.  

“But the big kicker is that while the nuclear family has struggled to stay alive since the ’50s, the multiple variations of forged families have consistently proven to be the most sustainable and adaptable to the times people live in.”

But despite a host of historical, economic and evolving social factors pointing to how the nuclear family was never sustainable, the MAGA clan consistently chooses to ignore them. Instead, they insist that the best way for a family to thrive is under the presence of two cis-het career-oriented spouses that raise their cookie-cutter children in the suburbs. Their reasoning has nothing to do with the interpersonal dynamics of how to efficiently run a household, but instead has everything to do with the idyllic representation of who is best fit to lead society. The hierarchy places affluent cis-het white men at the pinnacle, with cis-het white women and children perpetually subordinated to an idealized standard. It leaves no room for deviance and also denies any external admission to the unit. This explains why pro-lifers advocate on behalf of fetuses, yet interestingly make no attempts at organizing impassioned rallies calling for the mass adoption of children that are already alive and seeking parental love. Adoption stigma paints the idea that adopted and foster children are illegitimate, and even though there are gay couples who wish to emulate the nuclear family for themselves, discriminatory legislature has made it historically difficult or impossible for LGBTQ+ folks to adopt. But isn’t the two-parent family claimed to be the best way to raise a child? Let alone run a family unit? After demonizing single-parent family structures, particularly as it applies to the Black community and Black motherhood, you would think that any attempts at people wanting to “embrace tradition” would be readily accepted. But that’s the catch-22. The nuclear family’s specific requirements were created to represent and uphold very particular standards, all of which boiled down to upholding capitalistic, misogynistic, white-supremacist heteronormativity. Despite women breadwinners becoming a norm in the U.S., women are still expected to fulfill all household chores and be responsible for most, if not all, of the child rearing duties. Living with anyone other than your romantic partner or children is seen as a sign of economic failure, especially if it involves living with older family members. Diversity, whether it pertains to race, sexuality and even non-biological ties, is the antithesis of the nuclear family, since diversity is the antithesis to white supremacy and heteronormativity. But the big kicker is that while the nuclear family has struggled to stay alive since the ’50s, the multiple variations of forged families have consistently proven to be the most sustainable and adaptable to the times people live in. Much to the frustration of MAGA stans, the inherent fragility of the nuclear family proves just how weak these oppressive societal structures are, and in turn, shows the extreme measures taken to maintain them. Extended families are a reflection of the kaleidoscope of people who live in this country and despite facing significant resistance, they have no intention of going anywhere.

After learning that the age old saying “blood is thicker than water” is actually misquoted, the correct version reading as “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” it made me reflect on the ways in which life during the Trump administration has altered family ties while ironically wanting them to remain unchanged from the past. The administration’s poor response to COVID-19 has done its part in dismantling the nuclear family, as people across all generations have begun to move back in with extended family members or sought out additional roommates to cover rent in this pandemic-induced recession. Generally, during the past four years, family members’ political and social ideologies were exposed for where they truly lie, placing them on the table for full inspection, discussion and critique. Permanent familial severance was followed up with emotions of anger and sadness, and as a result, people have started to expand and rethink what the concept of a family truly means. Do we honor blood ties even when it is problematic to do so? Or do we branch out and seek new familial ties based on reciprocity in morals, beliefs and compassion? There is no manual for the right way to start or maintain a family, but the increasing number of ways in which our western society has come to embrace the beautiful variations of collectivist society and non-traditional family structures is how we will actually make America great.