‘Twilight’ and the Medicinal Properties of Reckless Emotion

Image by Faith Terrill

Twelve years ago, while my fellow eighth-graders pursued crushes and first kisses, I fixated on how many days remained until I could see the sequel to “Twilight.” Every day I would change the wallpaper of my computer —“340 days until ‘New Moon,’” “339 days until ‘New Moon,’” “338 days until ‘New Moon’”— each in the “Twilight” font and made by me with my limited photoshop skills. I plastered my bedroom walls with Edward Cullen posters, saw “Twilight” five times in theaters, spent leisure hours on fan forums and listened to the “Twilight” soundtrack exclusively for most of that year. When my family traveled to Mexico, I stayed in the shade covered in sunscreen, because I wanted to stay pale like a vampire. I was a Twihard.

Though Edward Cullen remained on my bedroom walls for much of high school, I eventually began downplaying the degree to which the series consumed me. “Twilight” became a source of embarrassment for me and many other Twihards. When I saw the last film as a senior, I forced myself to stay emotionless while my friends made jokes. I wanted to be cool and nonchalant too. When I got to my car afterward, however, I put “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri on repeat and cried alone for 20 minutes.

Then in 2018, the Twihards came out of hiding and ignited the “‘Twilight’ Renaissance.” The internet churned out meme after meme; most were about the canon, but many were about the fans themselves. Twihards confronted their wildly melodramatic adolescence and reminded themselves that it’s okay to still love this pulpy, insane, sometimes problematic world, as long as its flaws are acknowledged and adequately admonished (like Meyer’s not so subtle racism.) It was freeing for many fans. I, however, watched it happen from afar. Life experiences had transformed me into a more guarded and emotionally cautious person and so, I was hesitant to reengage. I wasn’t ready to reckon with my once young and open heart, the same heart that, after bruises and breaks, I was working to protect.

“Reading the series is like unbuttoning tight jeans or taking off a bra; it’s letting go of inhibitions.”

Cut to April 2020. Amidst a global pandemic, “Twilight”-themed TikToks were increasing in popularity. I could barely go a day in quarantine without hearing “Bella’s Lullaby” on my feed. So, when my sister said she wanted to watch a nostalgic movie, something stirred in me and I suggested “Twilight.”

I expected to spend the movie cringing. Instead, I found myself on the edge of my seat. We watched all five movies (“Twilight,” “New Moon,” “Eclipse,” “Breaking Dawn — Part 1” and “Breaking Dawn — Part 2”) in one sitting. When the last movie ended, my sister went to bed, but I needed more. I realized quickly that fanfiction wouldn’t cut it; that my itch would be scratched by re-reading a scene or two from the book, since the movies are imprecise anyway. Five days later, I left a fugue state to discover that I had re-read all four books …

The “Twilight” series is undeniable in a way, like cake. It’s decadent, sometimes saccharine, a bit bad for you — yes, but it tastes delicious going down. It’s an absolute guilty pleasure. Stephenie Meyer gives into our innate, practically primal desires for safety, purpose and love. The narrative is dramatic, chaotic, and feverish. Reading the series is like unbuttoning tight jeans or taking off a bra; it’s letting go of inhibitions. Meyer makes Edward and Bella’s relationship feel essential and fated, like two puzzle pieces coming together. It’s a story understandably appealing to romantic lost souls who feel the world lacks sense and meaning, like middle schoolers or people in their mid-20s surviving a pandemic.

“The eighth-grade passion returned with an immediacy, right when I needed it most: my physical body was quarantined and I couldn’t hold my heart prisoner anymore.“

I had expected to blush at my once-fiery passion for the franchise, but I was sucked in again. For a month, I thought about the series for every second of every day. I even dreamed about the characters. Right after breakfast, I would go to Tumblr and search “Twilight” or “‘Twilight’ Renaissance” in tagged posts. I watched each film multiple times. I bought “Twilight Forever” (the 10th anniversary DVD box set) and Catherine Hardwicke’s “Director’s Notebook,” so I could know everything that happened behind the scenes. I tweeted Stephenie Meyer asking when she would release “Midnight Sun” (“Twilight” from Edward’s perspective) — and, by the way, she announced its release date (August 4) five days later, so I’m taking full credit for that. I even made a 50-minute long compilation video synthesizing Edward’s character development …

The eighth-grade passion returned with an immediacy, right when I needed it most: my physical body was quarantined and I couldn’t hold my heart prisoner anymore. For years, I had forced myself into a state of near-constant cynicism. I thought that with enough sarcasm and self-deprecation, I could outsmart the inevitable pain of living (I couldn’t, it’s impossible.) But, there’s an optimism inherent in “Twilight,” which comes from Meyer’s penchant for writing what is most immediately satisfying in any given moment — not always what is smartest for the plot or character, but instead what provides most instant feeling. Meyer’s characters are emotionally impulsive and it works for them; there is never an unhappy ending. If there is a moral to the series, it’s that it is better to think with your heart. And indeed, as I re-read I felt my barricaded heart’s walls dissolve. I was sent back to a time when I was more hopeful, more full of innocence and expectation. Middle school gets a bad rap, but back then I had the strength to dream; I lost some of that courage as I got older. But re-engaging with these characters caused me to experience the feelings that I had not allowed myself to feel in a long time: real excitement and pleasure, with no fear of disappointment. I’ve opened myself up to reckless emotion again and it feels glorious. If I learned anything from my return dalliance down Twihard lane, it’s that honest feeling is rewarding.